Be Intentional, Your Twenties Matter
Book Review of The Defining Decade: Why your Twenties matter - Meg Jay
Source: DALL-E
The Defining Decade: Why your Twenties Matter–And How to Make the Most of Them Now is a book by Dr. Meg Jay, which my friend, Rebecca Jiang, recommended to me this summer. The central message of the book is this: Doing something later does not mean doing it better, so twenty-somethings need to own the decisions that come with this pivotal decade.
These decisions about work and love are more impactful than society admits. Our 20s have lasting effects on our lifetime earning potential and long-term happiness. Work and Love. Even our personalities change the most in our 20s. Yes, more than our teenage years.
“Our 20s are the defining decade of adulthood. 80% of life’s most defining moments take place by about age 35.” – Dr. Meg Jay
Love
“Society is structured to distract people from the decisions that have a huge impact on happiness, in order to focus attention on the decisions that have a marginal impact on happiness. The most important decision any of us make is who we will marry. Yet there are no courses on how to choose a spouse.” – David Brooks
While more people are choosing to either not have children or not get married at all, the vast majority of twenty-somethings do want a long-term partner.
“A 2018 study of over 5,000 singles in the US found that about 70% of adults believe in and want to find romantic love. Contrary to proclamations that hooking up is the new normal, only 10% say they date casually.”
But as Brooks said, because we’re not taught how to choose a spouse, we make at least two mistakes in finding partners.
The first, the Cohabitation effect, is the observed effect that those who do not live together before getting engaged tend to have more marriage success, better communication, higher levels of commitment, and better marital stability. Dr. Jay explains that moving in gives the illusion of agreement and alignment, whereas important, difficult conversations do not happen.
But Dr. Jay knows she can’t just tell you what to do, so here’s her suggestion. If you’re going to move -in together, check in with your partner then and regularly thereafter. To avoid the illusion of agreement, Dr. Jay recommends some 29 questions for a conversation about the relationship. You can find them in the book.
The second mistake is about how most people think about potential partners. We know what our dealbreakers are, but we usually don’t know our matchmakers. Dr. Jay prescribes “being in like” with your partner.
Being in like has two simple components. The first is being alike in ways that matter, and the second is genuinely liking who the other person is. Being alike means sharing some traits from socioeconomic status, education, age, ethnicity, religion, attractiveness, attitudes, values, intelligence, and others. And asking whether you like the other person is the same as asking if you know what you admire in others.
Work
The first takeaway from this section is Identity Capital, an antidote to an Identity Crisis, which most students have experienced in some form.
“Identity Capital is our stock of personal assets. It is how we add value to who we are. It is what we have to show for how we spent our time. These are the investments we make in ourselves. They are the things we do well enough or long enough that they become part of who we are.”
Identity capital includes things like test scores, degrees, and jobs, that go on a resume but also includes more personal things like how we present ourselves, how we solve problems, or what our hobbies or life experiences may be. In the workplace, Identity capital is the currency we use to metaphorically purchase jobs, opportunities, autonomy, and other things we want.
While we may be confused about our career paths in the present, we should pursue meaningful work that builds up our identity capital even if it’s unclear how we’ll use it in the future.
“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.” - Steve Jobs
The second concept is Weak ties. Our professional lives will not be transformed by the close friends that we spend time with often. We share too much in common with these close friends and have already shared so much of what we know that there are limited new opportunities. Instead, career opportunities will come from the unique value of people we do not know that well – Weak Ties.
“Nepotism is when someone receives something they don’t deserve because of their connections. The strength of weak ties is the science of how information spreads. It is about how people who deserve opportunities let other people help them find those opportunities.”
So ask for suggestions, recommendations, or introductions. Do your homework so you know precisely what you need. Gather up the courage and politely ask for it.
Brain & Body
When I read Dr. Jay’s definition of confidence, I admit I was quite embarrassed I had the opposite of the correct view: I thought you build confidence from inside irrespective of external circumstances.
“Confidence doesn’t come from the inside out. It comes from the outside in. People feel less anxious on the inside when they can point to things they have done well on the outside.
Fake confidence comes from stuffing ourselves out
Real confidence comes from mastery experiences which are actual lived moments of success especially when things seem difficult.”
This definition has important implications. For one, we should not expect to feel confident in environments where we are beginners, like in our first job. Why? Because our work truly isn’t good initially, and we’re learning. Secondly, pep talks and motivational videos won’t work. Only by making real progress, however small, can we feel more confident.
Understanding confidence is a great example of why I loved reading this book: Dr. Jay discusses important truths that adults simply aren’t telling twenty-somethings like me.
For instance, you’ll only get more confident and know yourself not by fixing your thinking but by engaging in the world. No one tells you that research shows that work is the single biggest driver of personality change in adulthood. Or that moving in with your partner early is generally a bad idea. Or that your lifetime earnings are probably determined in your 20s.
Our 20s are a time to make decisions, be bold, and be intentional. Yet they will be a time full of confusion, doubt, and much personal change. But at least we know we are not alone in our challenges. We are all finding our place both at work and with love.
Thanks to Cathy Chen and Pia Singh for reading drafts of this.
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Great read thank you!
Very entertaining